tracy and jody (actually, only tracy’s pregnant)are having a boy mid-september. of course, i desperately hope phyl’s here with us.

p.s. guess i’m becoming phyllis, cause here’s a pic of our first, jen and adam’s paige. yeh, i think so too.

good

Adam was telling the detailed strory ofscenestealer an old movie star hangout in Hollywood, where his shoot had been.  He was cuddling Paige, who was making faces, wiggling, and kicking.  I’d always seen her in a fetal position with her legs scrunched up, so I hadn’t noticed she has a bit of what I used to call “Phyllis’ funny knees”.  Truly, I didn’t hear what Adam was saying; I was telepathing Phyl that  I can’t believe her baby boy (Jody was her “big boy”, Adam her “baby boy”)  was holding his own baby.  And watching Paige doing zumba was so dynamite cute that, just then, amidst Adam’s serious story, I started to laugh.  Jen said Paige’s always the scene stealer.

In the group I attend, people tell of times I’d never had, when they feel the presence of their lost love.  That Paige moment was the first time, in a long time, I’d felt Phyllis was there, watching and laughing with me.

“You’re original, cannot be replaced. After a hurricane comes a rainbow.                                                      Baby, you’re a firework, come on, let your colors burst                                                                                    Make em go ah, ah, ah, when you shoot across the sky-y-y”  Katy Perry, my fave

     There’s a big bag of notes and stuff i haven’t yet posted about Phyllis.  Seemingly, enough material forever.  And yet, so very often, i’m suddenly reminded of other of her novel focal points i hadn’t even remembered. 

      Phyllis the teacher was always passionate about presenting social issues; especially bullying, suicide, gay rights.  And presenting her literature: especially Poe, Hemingway, Shirley Jackson, her friend Ray Bradbury, of course.  But each season reminds me of some other of her bazillion passions. This week, three popped up. 

       First, March 2 is the birthday of Massachusetts poet, Theodor Geisel, whom Phyl had adored since childhood.  To both her students and our own children, she’d dramatize the books of Dr. Seuss.   Ah you my mother?  Mahvin K Mooney, whai ah you?  Would you like them heuh oh thayuh, would you like them anywhayuh?  So, each March 2^nd, Phylllis would invite classes, especially all the special ed classes to her readings of Dr. Seuss.  She’d dress up, display his art, and, in that Winthrop accent, way-overdramatize his rhymes.  The kids loved it, and her. 
       Second, the rains we have are rare, relative to the rest of the country.  When we first lived in the Valley, Phyl was profoundly moved by the tragedy of a student who fell in the flood control channel, was carried away, and drowned.  Winding throughout Los Angeles County (and ¼ mile from our house) is a giant cement 50-mile channel that carries the rain to the sea.  It’s prominent in “Them”, “Chinatown”, “Terminator”, “Grease” and every other rumble/skateboard/drag race/teen rebellion movie. When the rains come, it’s a very, very fast, very, very deep swiftwater.  Every year, kids fall in the rapids.  Last week a guy fell in, and went miles downriver.  In my 38 years, I never saw anyone else present anything like it, but each year, at CHS or PHMS, Phyl developed a program, would lecture the school’s classes on the dangers of swiftwater and the L.A. River, and show them a movie of  skateboarding victims and near-victims, some of whom were swept downriver 20 or more miles. 

         Phyllis was so multi-faceted, I’m reminded of another, lesser passion that made her special.  The third is not school, and is unique to our marriage and special to me.  i’ll post it next week.

Didn’t post this last week as Paige’s arrival is eons more important.  Didn’t post it two weekends ago because the dinosaur computer ate it.  Couldn’t get it back.  All gone.  Very weird.  This had happened only one time before; with the previous hummingbird post.  My cousin Beverly, who was as close to Phyl as anyone, said, “Maybe Phyllis doesn’t want anyone else to know these things.”  I thought absurd and posted the previous one anyway.  I must be looney-tunes, because, after it just happened again, I actually hesitated posting.  And that’s the theme here.  ‘Again’ is uncommon.  Again and again, nine times, is inexplicable.

I want just one thing ever—to see phyl again.  When I say that in the bereavement group, a fourth look jealous and three-fourths look as if I’m from the planet zorko, which is why I seldom go to group any more. 16 months ago, I myself’d have called anyone that delusional, a fucking idiot.  Now, dunno; circumstantial surely (and don’t call me Shirley) but, after nine hummingbird incidents; inexplicable.  None stand alone, 1 or 2 is coincidence-attributable.  9, maybe not.   Each successive one is increasingly incomprehensible in the rearview mirror…

1) Joan’s story the week we lost Phyl, of Phyllis’ and her backyard attributions and conclusions, when the two hummingbirds had hovered in to face them as they discussed departed loved ones.

2) The visits of the hummingbird to Phyllis’ backyard feeder which had been empty and unvisited since she got sick over two years ago.

3) Right after we lost Phyl, for the first time in her 18 years, Nosy, Phyllis’ favorite kitten ever, the one who slept with her every night and Phyl NEVER allowed outdoors, followed Webby and went outside into the back yard to watch the birds.  She does it every morning now.

4) An unknown guy rang the bell while I was reading Denise’s famous pastor’s book about afterlife. Said he was visiting his sister down the street, heard about Phyl, and wanted to talk to me.   Could not possibly have known, but quoted, not referred to, but quoted the passage I’d just that day read, and spoke about death for 25 minutes. All the time we were talking, a hummingbird was flitting around over his head.  Hard-to-believe, but true.

5) The front door and driveway hummingbird that constantly followed me the next day, even as I was washing my car, which I never do.

6)  Jody’s story that, filming the Jimmy Jam show for Oprah in Thousand Oaks, the dentist chosen for the scene happened to be Jody’s old dentist and was reminiscing about a young Phyllis holding a scared Jody’s hand in his office.  Jody says he was about to break down into pieces in front of the crew, when Jimmy’s son suddenly yelled, “Look at the window, a hummingbird!” which Jody felt was mom stepping in to save him, as he composed himself.

7) Visiting her close (and most spiritual) lifelong bff Marietta, in her kitchen in Hingham, in the pouring rain, listening to stories of a young Phyllis, a bright green/purple hummingbird stayed at the window staring at us.  Marietta said it doesn’t happen, especially in the rain.

8) As I wrote 3 weeks ago, the come-to-us cancer commercials got to me.  I was looney-tunes;  enraged, yelling at God, religion, fate, destiny, karma AND Phyllis in our living room, demanding  a sign, or I wouldn’t believe it mattered, because I hadn’t had anything in 6 months,    That night I dreamed about Phyl, and on Sunday, Tammie and Pete rang the bell on their walk and pointed out a new hummingbird’s nest high up on Phyl’s glass cat mobile facing the front door.

9) Two weeks ago, Jody was scouting which surgery unit, of 4 different Colombia, South America cities’ medical centers, to film for a new show Planet Hospital.   He chose the modern San Vicente University Hospital in Medellin.  Though he’d filmed the inside and outside of each hospital, he said he hadn’t noticed that the giant painting on the side of the Medellin hospital was a hummingbird, until, the staff pointed out it was the only hospital with a legend logo; rebirth symbolized by the hummingbird.  A nurse Jody didn’t know handed Jody the pin in the photo and said, “This is for your mom.”

         Thank you so very much for your kind words upon Paige’s arrival.  Ma, Mau, Paul, Bev, Kris, Sidney, Grandpa, Marty, Suzie, Mickey, Elliot, Cheryl, Barbara F, Mark F, Leah, Edna, Pancho, Avi, Meko, Susan, Tony, Gertie, Barbara G, Theresa, David Y, Michelle S, David G, Carol G, Stephen, Linda, Marilyn, Carrie, Tammi, Erik, Vicki, Michael, Audree, Elly, Mel, Lucy, Denise, Michelle H, Elissa, Martin, Ann, Barbara S, Yury, Matt, Beverly C, Seymour, and your families and spouses of course;  Jen, Adam, and I read every one and love you all.  For me, it’s like living the first lines of Tale of Two Cities, so your words mean a lot.

mybeauty, was finally gonna post the hummingbird stories, but something eons more important to post…adam and jen just gave us your first grandchild (named after you), so i know you’d rather see that. mybeauty, this is Paige.

The most sincere, profound, and heartfelt thank you ever to the very special people who’ve donated to Phyl’s book scholarship.  It means so much to me.  It will be ready to go this school year, thanks to California Readers, a wonderful group of primarily Los Angeles Unified School District librarians, but foremost Phyllis’ friends.  Our utmost gratitude to Phyl’s special pals Candy and Dick, and, of course Tammie Celi.  And to President Karla and Awards Chair Claire.  Right now, it looks to be about 3 years of around 40 LAUSD librarians each choosing a student each year to receive a scholarship of $25 gift cards from Barnes and Noble to California Readers, usable online with free postage and handling.  I’ll be administering it, so I’ll fund it after that.  As Phyl’s passion (or really, as you that know her; one of Phyl’s myriad passions) was the student helper who finds a home in the library, and who is seldom recognized academically, or especially socially.  As those are quite unique cririteria, although each librarian will choose their recipient, we’ve developed a way the award will seem random to the students.  Again, my dearest gratitude.

Here’s the tentative California Readers scholarship announcement:

PHYLLIS BENNETT MEMORIAL BOOK SCHOLARSHIP

Phyllis Bennett was one of the very first credentialed reading specialists in the

state of California.  The most recent and beloved position of her 36 year career was

school  librarian at Patrick  Henry.

Phyllis adored her students, and her students adored her.   Phyllis and her

students won many academic awards, yet her first love was what she called the

disenfranchised student.   With computers and waning district funds diminishing

school libraries, Phyllis was passionate about yet another unnoticed value of the

present-day library; as a safe haven for the lonely, bullied, friendless, or problem

student.

Annually, these students as defined will be designated by public school

librarians to receive book scholarships in Phyllis’ name to honor her as a member of

California Readers and for her outstanding contribution to the field of librarianship.

valentines

         One of my classroom rules for 36 years was all- party/no-work on Valentines Day,if each student personally handed each other student an addressed and signed valentine. Elementary and secondary.  When former students came back to visit, and I’d ask what they kept, regardless of age, they’d say stories and valentines.  The last six years, Phyllis and I were in the same school and able to share the activity.  And for her, always roses, cards, and See’s and Lindt chocolates.

          Myphyllis, Valentines was special, and so, now ubersorrowful.  It’s here and just impossible to believe that you’re not.  Heartbreak’s all that’s here.  My valentine to you is private, but what I sing to you, I’ll share

For every moment I’ve spent hurting  There was a moment I’ve spent just loving you                                 ‘Cause you’re the best thing that ever happened to me                                                                                         —“You’re the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me”, Gladys Knight

Sorry I never told you All I wanted to say  And now it’s too late to hold you’                                                      Cause you’ve flown away So far away   Never had I imagined Living without your smile                                    Feeling and knowing you hear me It keeps me alive   I know you’re shining down on me from heaven            And I know eventually we’ll be together  One sweet day —“One Sweet Day”  Mariah Carey

Every day I wake up I hope I’m dreamin  I can’t believe this shit Can’t believe you ain’t here                           It’s hard to just keep goin  It’s like I feel empty inside without you bein here                                                         I would do anything, to bring you back  I saw your son today   He look just like you                                      You’ll always be the greatest  I can’t wait til that day, when I see your face again                                           Even though you’re gone, we’re still a team  Through your family, I’ll fulfill your dream                                         In the future, can’t wait to see If you open up the gates for me                                                                        Give anything to hear half your breath I know you’re still living your life, after death                                         Every step I take, every move I make  Every single day, every time I pray I’ll be missing you                            –“I’ll Be Missing You”  Puff Daddy

The long and winding road that leads to your door  Will never disappear                                                          The wild and windy night that the rain washed away Has left a pool of tears crying for the day                       Why leave me standing here, let me know the way  Many times I’ve been alone&many times I’ve cried        Anyway you’ll never know the many ways I’ve tried  Still they lead me back to the long&winding road            You left me standing here a long,long time ago  Don’t leave me waiting here, lead me to you door            —“Long and Winding Road”  Beatles

But long as there are stars above you You never need to doubt it  I’ll make you so sure about it                      God only knows what I’d be without you   If you should ever leave me Though life would still go on believe meThe world could show nothing to me  God only knows what I’d be without you                                       –“God Only Knows” Beach Boys

Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last  But dreams come slow and they go so fast                                     You see her when you close your eyes  Maybe one day you’ll understand why —“Let Her Go”, Passenger

Written on these walls are the colors that I can’t change  Leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage I know in the morning I see us in the light on a hill  Although I am broken, my heart is untamed, still          —“The Story of My Life”. One Direction

And maybe the walls will tumble And the sun refuse to shine  When I say, I love you  Baby, you gotta know That’s for all time —“For All Time”, Michael Jackson

Just to see her, just to touch her  Just to hold her in my arms again one more time                                              I would do anything, I would go anywhere  There’s nothing I wouldn’t do just to see you again                    –”Just To See Her”, Smoky Robinson

The most sincere, profound, and heartfelt thank you ever to the very special people who’ve donated to Phyl’s book scholarship.  It means so much to me.  It will be ready to go this school year, thanks to California Readers, a wonderful group of primarily Los Angeles Unified School District librarians, but foremost Phyllis’ friends.  Our utmost gratitude to Phyl’s special pals Candy and Dick, and, of course Tammie Celi.  And to President Karla and Awards Chair Claire.  Right now, it looks to be about 3 years of around 40 LAUSD librarians each choosing a student each year to receive a scholarship of $25 gift cards from Barnes and Noble to California Readers, usable online with free postage and handling.  I’ll be administering it, so I’ll fund it after that.  As Phyl’s passion (or really, as you that know her; one of Phyl’s myriad passions) was the student helper who finds a home in the library, and who is seldom recognized academically, or especially socially.  As those are quite unique cririteria, although each librarian will choose their recipient, we’ve developed a way the award will seem random to the students.  Again, my dearest gratitude.

Here’s the tentative California Readers scholarship announcement:

PHYLLIS BENNETT MEMORIAL BOOK SCHOLARSHIP

Phyllis Bennett was one of the very first credentialed reading specialists in the

state of California.  The most recent and beloved position of her 36 year career was

school  librarian at Patrick  Henry.

Phyllis adored her students, and her students adored her.   Phyllis and her

students won many academic awards, yet her first love was what she called the

disenfranchised student.   With computers and waning district funds diminishing

school libraries, Phyllis was passionate about yet another unnoticed value of the

present-day library; as a safe haven for the lonely, bullied, friendless, or problem

student.

Annually, these students as defined will be designated by public school

librarians to receive book scholarships in Phyllis’ name to honor her as a member of

California Readers and for her outstanding contribution to the field of librarianship.