it’s impossible.  ten years.  more impossible is that i’ll not see her again. i know there aren’t degrees of an absolute, like ‘more impossible’, but fuck you unless you’ve been thru it.  i think of, dream of, and talk to her every day; it’s pretense, but fuck you unless you’ve been thru it.

Hi Pretty. Wish i lingered on the good memories for a decade, but most thoughts are regrets.  So easy to say appreciate the moments.  Whether just awakening from a dream of you or watching some schmaltzy kdrama, my thought balloons go from reminiscence to regret.  So missed the boat.  Not the place to dwell, but know, every night,  i ask our Abiding God to switch our places (s’posed to be you here, and me gone, anyway), or even just for one minute more.  He/She ain’t listening.  His/Her greatest injustice is His/Her greatest blessing.  Our kids and those grandkids you so heartbreakingly cried “I’m never going to hold” are healthy, bright, and, thank that God, have your incredibly charismatic personality.  Can’t ask for more than that, unless you’re bitter me.  And i ask every fucking night.  He/She ain’t listening.
So i just miss you like crazy and love you to the sky.

Phinnie, Eva, Paige, Brooke, your grandma was remarkably unique, certainly a one-of-a-kind.  EVERY year, i recall and jot more Phyllisisms, idiosyncrasies that i haven’t written about before.  Certainly must be in the hundreds by now.  A few new, some good, some not-so-good but, as anyone who knew that indelible personality: pure Phyllis.  This year’s recollections, so you can better know your most special grandma.…

—She loved the rain.  Whether in Winthrop or in Agoura where it seldom rains, if it did in daytime, Phyl’d go outside, stand in it, and just watch.

—Every time our cat Jelly Bean would hiss, Phyl’d get in her face and repeatedly sing to her, in discordant notes never before heard by mankind, “Jelly Beany, She is a meany”

—Phylis’ Trick #32  When double coupons came out and her Campbell’s Soup tin was bursting with coupons, she thoughtfully started warning people behind her in the supermarket line, that maybe another line’d be better; she was sorry but she’d  be taking extra time ‘cause she had a lot of coupons.  Then she realized, if she dropped the warning, there were impatient people behind her rolling their eyes when she looked for or presented her coupons, the clerk would be rushed, so Phyl would slip in a bunch of double coupons for stuff she hadn’t even bought.

—If Phyl had no idea who was calling, she’d stall and say, “It’s good to hear your voice”.

—After doing only my own laundry for ten years, i understand the (i thought) inane thing that medium said Phyl said.  And i cannot believe Phyl, aside from finances, shopping, housecleaning, and working full-time, did and put away the laundry for all four of us, without ever, even ever, complaining, or letting us help.

—She seldom ate breakfast, but the few times she did, she loved drizzly eggs, almost burnt bacon, strawberry crepes, or McDonald’s breakfast burrito.

—Phyllis’ Trick #33.  Most years, she or both of us went east four times a year for one to four weeks.  There were so many people to see. If she weren’t fond of seeing someone, she’d put them off til the last 2 or 3 days, because, though she’d never lie about the dates of our visits, she’d say if we saw them right away, they’d expect us to see them again before we left.

—Yes, we really loved each other, but were at odds oftimes.  If i did the tap-tap finger motion to signal she was talking too loud, she’d get really angry, but bide her time til i was speaking. Then she’d say “speak up, you mumble.
When Phyl was mad at me, she’d make one syllable words into two. “Plee-eeze, don’t_ or “You are a pru-ude.” or “You are so ru-ude.”
She’d moan “Why can’t we be like…” (alternating the names of couples we know) or “Why can’t you be like….” (alternating the males we know)?   Except for the one i heard for 40 years, “Why can’t you be like John Travolta?”  Usually i just sulked, but, if i followed with “What can i do”, she’d inevitably say, “You need to sweep me off my feet.”
if i lectured or disciplined the kids or cats, she’d kiss the kids or nuzzle the cats and say, “Don’t worry about that mean old daddy.”  It was always ‘Bad Cop, Good Cop’, because, to Phyllis, neither Jody nor Adam ever did anything wrong.

—She always fell asleep first.  i always found it impossible to believe how lucky i was to be married to the most beautiful girl on earth.  i spent hours watching her sleep.  i’d flick the pony tail she always wore to bed.  she’d never awaken.

—Her two cautionary refrains, ironic now, and for ten years;  “Not so bad. It should be the worst thing that should happen.”  and her one i’ve written of and live by,  “Always think, what if it’s the last time?

—One of her school friends asked her, “Which credentials, elections (she was 11-0), and awards are you most proud?”   She said, “My boys.”

That’s more of your dads’ Mom.  She lived for and adored her boys, and would’ve, you.
We miss her like crazy and love her to the sky.