Inside and out, the most beautiful girl ever.

And she was my whole world. Though i doubt she realized how much, because i didn’t realize that incredible smile was everything good in my life.

She was all emotion.  And put up with my not.   And the greatest mother of all time.  She did everything, just everything, for us. And everyone loved myphyllis. Especially us. i told her every day.

In three plus months, it’ll be three years.  Time should make it feel better.  It don’t.   Every of the gazillion moments the babies do something new or cute; every morning when the mother   i adore hopefully asks, “Are you doing anything today?”; every damn time i see a couple, particularly our age or older; and especially every night when i disbelieve and rage “why?” at God/Religion/Life for a do-over to take me instead, then try to sleep alone on her side of the bed, only to awaken to the same senselessness: it don’t.

Then again, walking out the front door twice this week, the first, after just enumerating the self-pities, as every day, and the second, precisely as Jody drove Phinnie up for the first time in months, there were hummingbirds number 10 and 11, three feet away, staring right in my face, for a long while.  Really.  i tell other bereaved friends, it’s not that you get a sign, it’s when.  And the longer the interval between signs, the more i doubt my own bullshit.  And then some ordinary baloney that can be construed extraordinary, if one takes his own advice, happens otra vez, and, against all odds and logic, the faintest flare of maybe i’ll see her again lights it up.

i do yahrzeit to honor Phyl and my Dad, and do Yom Kippur, Channukah, Passover for the kids.  Otherwise fuck religion!  Where was it when i asked for help, as Phyllis went through 16 months of hell, and we lost her?   Moons ago, i bought the thought that i had her for 41 years.  And that fraction of one trumped the six million how-could-God-let-that-happen’s?   That was then; this is now.  Not any more. i no longer buy it.  Where is myphyllis?  You justify this?  Six million AND my one? Fuck religion!  You want me to believe?  Prove me wrong.  Tell me why the best person ever deserves this.  Get just.  Do your homework.  i’m the undeserving one, not her.  Take me.  When i end, Phyl should be there.   My mom says, “You’ll get all the answers.”    i should.  Or, be happy not to exist.  (no, not yet, kids.  Unless He’s there and takes my trade offer.)

i still cannot believe it.  life still makes no sense.  Every morning, every single morning,   i still awaken to the reality test, “is this possible?’  Every night it’s the above-everything-ever-in-my-life desperate hope or desperate doubt i’ll see her again.  There are so very many things we didn’t get to do.  There are so many things i didn’t say.  i know how excruciating was her pain.    i pray she knows how excruciating is mine.  And my regrets and apologies too, especially taking our time for granted.  There is so very much i’m missing.  There is so very much she’s missing.

i don’t have or want a fucking, comforting conclusion.

Last Saturday, LASLA (the Los Angeles School Librarians Association) gave out Phyllis’ book scholarships at their annual event.  These are $25 internet or in-store Barnes and Noble or BN.com gift cards, with free postage and handling.  There were three times as many student recipients as last year, and we’ll try to triple that for next year too.  Tammie Celi, Phyllis’ dear friend and fellow librarian, arranged for the everything and presented the awards.  They are presented as for a student who has especially helped a librarian but are really, as phyl’s wishes, designed for a student whom the librarian has especially helped, because, as you know, Phyl’s focus was always the lonely, bullied, unpopular, or despondent student.   Infinite thanks to LASLA; Phyl’s friend, and really tutor, library superstar Mark Bobrovsky, who spoke, in his retirement speech, about missing Phyllis; and, of course to Tammie, whom I could never ever ever ever thank enough for helping Phyl through everything from the library to the illness, and now beyond.  Incredible, integral, priceless are euphemism that scantly hint what Tammie’s love and friendship with Myphyllis meant and means to us.

For phyl and the kids.  (way self-indulgent for everyone else)

Hey Cuckoo,
Adam worked on “Furious 7” when they first filmed it, 2 years ago in Atlanta, before Paul Walker passed.  Don’t care about the movie, but can’t help crying to you when i hear the #1 terrific theme, “See You Again”.
Neither baby watches tv shows yet, (though Paige was on Adam’s show “Black-ish” for a sec) but both love to watch Meghan Trainor videos.  She sings her own stuff, and is from the Cape and Jen’s school in Boston.
Pic 1  Paige banging cup to “Lips are Movin”
Pic 2  Paige fascinated by “All About That Base”.
Pic 3  Jody using “Future Husband” to mesmerize Phinn to settle him down or feed him.
Pic 4  Phinn & our fave, “Uptown Funk” (don’t believe me? just watch)   Next week’s post is Eva’s hilarious “This Girl is on Fire”.  It’s so like their  grandmother’s unabashed, miles-off-key, oblivious vocals; truly heartfelt memories.
These moments i love most, are also the hardest to bear…playing with your grandkids.  We all know these moments are made for you.

I had been letting Phyllis’ three beloved cats out into the yard, every morning and night. She was not happy when i did that, especially at night. Last week I saw a really big coyote around the corner, wandering the street, at only 7 pm. It’s against the law to kill ‘em in Agoura. And two nights ago, the tv news, lead story was a brazen coyotes attack on a little girl walking with her parents in Orange County. The Animal Control people said coyotes usually don’t attack humans. But, with construction taking their land, the coyotes are getting really aggressive in search of food. Then last night at 10 pm, as I got out of the car in the driveway, I heard the coyotes on the hill right across the street, doing that yip-yip-howl thing they do when they group-kill. So I hurriedly unlocked the door, ran into the house, and immediately let the cats outside. But an hour later, the damn things all came back. I had forgotten to turn the flashing “Coyotes Welcome Here” sign on.

i cried watching “The Middle” Wednesday.  Though “Modern Family” may be the best comedy ever…  Though Adam works full-time on “Black-ish”, the best new comedy… the only show Phyllis and i always watched together was their lead-in on ABC, “The Middle”.

Phyl watched “The Closer”, “NCIS”, ”Downton Abbey”, and “Regis”.  Too classy for me who watches WWE, “Springer”,  “Maury”, and “Walking Dead”.  Only once a week, did the twain meet.

We identified with “The Middle”; two shleppy parents who have no luck and scrape by, paycheck-to-paycheck.   They have two sons, one a popular, creative conniver, the other a younger, self-righteous genius, but both good kids.  They also have one daughter, Sue, a wannabee pop, desperate-to-be-in-crowd, but the lowest of the out-crowd, high school girl.  Myphyllis absolutely loved the character Sue. i think Sue reminded Phyl of her no-extracurricular, always-had-to-have-a-job-after-the-bell days and Phyl’s career raison d’etre; the outcast student she felt for and coveted to help in her classroom and library days.  When Sue inevitably screwed up or got shafted, Mypreciousphyllis would laugh hysterically or cry openly.  It always ended wrong for Sue.  As insane and inane as it sounds, Wednesday, when the melted cheese machine spoiled her prom dress and prom, but led to finding her true love, i was bawling because i know Phyllis would’ve been.

In the driveway, the other day, i found myself doing what you always did, speaking to that old guy who walks by and says, “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”  i realized, just the night before, i’d also listened to the grandkid stories of Harry, your favorite Ralphs checker, who’d cried  two years ago when i told him about you.  And i’d called Yobi, our Toyota guy, “Yobes”.  None of which i’ve ever done before, but all of which you did all the time.  Maybe it’s a way of keeping you here, or cementing your influence, or even somehow becoming more personable and compassionate like you.  You probably wouldn’t believe i’m more phyllislike….

–i leave tips in cash, use coupons, and say “it’s nice to hear your voice”.

–i always sleep on your side of the bed, wear my wedding ring and one of your bracelets. kiss and make sure i tell the kids i love them,

–Sometimes i even pick up the phone.  And now i hang up saying, “OK, Bye.”

–If a Neil Diamond song comes on, i don’t shut it off …..right away.  It’s at least a minute before i shut it off.

–Daily, i awaken to pet Nosy who is beside me and Webby at my feet.  And i fucking hate them!

–And when i get mad and go to smack them, as always and inevitably, i hear you snapping, “Don’t you dare!” or your ladylike, “If you do, I’ll chop your balls off!” and i refrain.

–You’re always a one-and-only.  And the exceedingly rare personification of Beauty and Empathy that i’ll not allow forgotten.  It’s legacy.  You are in me.  You are in the boys.  It’s the purpose of all this that you be in Phinnie and Paige.

Phyllis Bennett, former LASLA District 1 representative and past member of the California Readers Middle School Collections, passed away in 2012.  In 2010 she retired as the Teacher Librarian at Patrick Henry Middle School, where she and her students won many academic awards, but her heart and passion never left the library, its patrons or her fellow colleagues.

Of her 35 years with LAUSD, Phyllis’ first love was what she called the “disenfranchised student”.  With computers and waning district funds diminishing school libraries, Phyllis’s passionate words about the library as an “integral safe haven for the lonely, bullied, friendless, or problem student” always struck a positive chord among her colleagues.

Any school librarian may designate one student helper or patron, based on Phyllis’s criteria, to receive a Phyllis Bennett Book Scholarship, a $25 postage-free gift card to Barnes & Noble or BN.com.  Please submit the student’s name and a brief paragraph explaining why you wish to reward this student.  Your words will be absolutely confidential, and the student will know it only as a reward for helping your library.  The winning librarians will receive their gift card at the LASLA luncheon or via U.S. mail.

Please send your submission, along with your name and school, no later than May 23^rd   to:

Tammie Celi

Teacher Librarian

Pearl Magnet HS

tjhfrog@yahoo.com

818-874-1308

three very recent, very nice notes about phyllis….

(linda, leah,& tammie; thank you so much)

1)  Dear Hoda, Earlier this month I watched your special on bullying.  This subject has always been very disturbing to me.  I’m very fortunate this was not as prevalent when my older boys were in school as it is today. Every time I hear a story about bullying, it turns my stomach.

My friend Phyllis Bennett, who passed away 2 years ago from cancer, was a retired teacher/librarian at Patrick Henry Middle and Chatsworth High School, in Chatsworth, California.  She had an amazing retirement celebration where hundreds of people came to honor her.  She was an inspiration to those who knew her.  She lived, ate, and breathed teaching English and then becoming a librarian.

I will never forget when she spoke at her retirement party, how important it was to her, that schools keep their libraries open, during the lunch hours especially; not only for the purpose of the library, but especially as a safe place for those who needed to be safe.  She actually begged the other teachers, staff, and guests to hear her loud and clear.

Every time I hear about cutting back in our school systems, I think of how important it is to keep the libraries open, especially at the high school and junior high school levels.

Phyllis was an amazing, wonderful person whose life was taken way too early.  After years, teaching and protecting children, she finally got to retire.  Unfortunately she passed away a few years later.   I will never forget her plea to keep the libraries open and our children safe.

If you are aware of an organization that would be interested in my story or physical help, please pass this along.  I would love to keep her compassion for children of all ages alive.

Best Regards, Linda Jorgensen

2)  Please no gifts, we are extremely lucky and have more than we could ever need.  If skipping a present makes you uncomfortable, please consider a small contribution on our behalf to an organization that works on children’s, health or environmental issues, promotes equity, or that benefits people in need in your local community (all things we care deeply about). Or consider a contribution to the Phyllis Bennett Memorial Book Scholarship Fund — a fund in memory of Leah’s Aunt Phyllis, an educator and librarian,that provides book scholarships to high school students who are involved in their school’s library.

3)  Phyllis Bennett, former LASLA District 1 representative and past member of the California Readers Middle School Collections, passed away in 2012.  In 2010 she retired as the Teacher Librarian at Patrick Henry Middle School, where she and her students won many academic awards, but her heart and passion never left the library,its patrons or her fellow colleagues.

Of her 35 years with LAUSD, Phyllis’ first love was what she called the “disenfranchised student”.  With computers and waning district funds diminishing school libraries, Phyllis’s passionate words about the library as an “integral safe haven for the lonely, bullied, friendless, or problem student” always struck a positive chord among her colleagues.

Any school librarian may designate one student helper or patron, based on Phyllis’s criteria, to receive a Phyllis Bennett Book Scholarship, a $25 postage-free gift card to Barnes & Noble or BN.com.  Please submit the student’s name and a brief paragraph explaining why you wish to reward this student.  Your words will be absolutely confidential, and the student will know it only as a reward for helping your library.  The winning librarians will receive their gift card at the LASLA luncheon or via U.S. mail.Please send your submission, along with your name and school, no later than May 23rd   to: Tammie Celi   Teacher Librarian Pearl Magnet HS

Every moment with paige or phinnie, i’m thinking you should be and would be the one taking care.  And what a God-Damn Cheat it is you aren’t.  #stillinfuriated   #timehealsisbullshit   i still cry, every single day.  i miss you and hurt more, year-to-year.

You understood life, and i didn’t.  As problematic as our match was, we were so very much alike.   Always knew each other’s thoughts.  We never looked elsewhere, because we are forever.   You’re stuck with me, cuckoo.  i love you.  To the sky.  i will always love you.  Even though, (true…) fucking nosy, your gift i wish i could return, keeps walking across the keyboard, adding letters to this; i’d like to believe, on your sayso.  Those kind of thoughts are the only comfort; despite logic, to try to convince myself i’ll see you.   Otherwise nothing makes sense in this melancholy, without-you life.

Every sentiment, in every song, tv, movie, ad, and especially real life, sends me to thoughts of you.  You are all Empathy, you always were; it’s the quintessentialphyl, why everybody, literally everybody, loves you.  And i adore you.

The great mystery is not how life begins, its meaning, its Deity.  It’s how the fuck can it be that you’re not here.  i’m a bazillion miles from comprehending.  This life just isn’t mine without-you.  There is no aspect of life, no thought, no moment that is not subtracted because you are not here.

Maybe i’ll ‘meet someone else’.  Maybe i’ll ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’.  ‘Maybe i’ll flap my arms and fly to the moon.’

i know i wasn’t anything like the kind of guy you dreamed of.  And stubbornly (and stupidly) didn’t try hard to be.  And always told you i’d never let anything happen to you.   i am so very sorry.  Heaven for me would be a do-over.

The single most important, overriding desire in my entire ridiculous life is that you’re aware of just how much i miss you.  The kids too, of course.   And my greatest fear is that you do not know this.

i love you to the sky, cuckoo,  myeternalvalentine.

Valentines was the day for us, whether in the classroom or home.   Empty now, excepting memories of  sees, roses, and cards, but here’s the one that made me happy, because you loved it and laughed that phyllislaugh, every  year. …..

this one’s for you, Millie. here’s your great-grandkids b4 yourtommy’s big game.